In Control

In Control

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Here's To Never Growing Up

   You know, I'm pretty sure we had it right in kindergarten. Girls stay away from boys, boys stay away from girls. They have cooties. And then in high school, when it changed, we learned the definition of heartbreak, the sadly most invasive part of life. 
   It just made it so much easier, didn't it? 
   When did I start cutting? Fourth grade. I know, I was a youngster, but if my life was that bad then, how is now? Worse, obviously, because it never seems to get better. 
   Why should we grow up? As a little girl, I asked my parents, when will I grow up, and be like you? But now, as I'm older, I've realized it's so freaking stupid! My parents aren't the role models I thought they were. I'm not the person I'd thought I'd be. I was quite sure, as a five year old, that I'd be a princess by now, and I'd be far away from my unfair parents arguing. 
   My parents aren't divorced, before you ask. They should be, but they can't seem to agree, or even scream at each other long enough to divorce. I live with my mom, and my brother.
   I spent my whole childhood wishing to be older, but now I am, and this s*** sucks. For all the kids out there, we stopped checking for monsters under our beds, when we realized they were inside us. I used to go weeks without crying.Growing up means wishing there was someone to kiss you in the rain. Growing up means pressure, pain, seeing people die. Not only on the outside, and not always other people. 
   If you could read what's in my heart, you would be in tears. 
   I'm sorry, you can't be Barbie when you grow up, unless you get so much plastic surgery that you wipe away all of your faults, and then you notice the monster on the inside that gets so discouraged when you're not her. 
  I'm never going to be who I planned I would be. I've accepted that... in a way. 
  Don't grow up. Getting older is not an excuse to change. Just don't put up their expectations, and you won't have to deal with being still alive but not for long. You won't have to deal with wishing you had everything you don't have. Just stay forever young, because here's not never ever ever growing up. Just stay forever, stay forever young.  And you won't have to say sorry for not being enough as someone who you aren't and will never be. You'll just be that little person with no scars and no pain except being mad that Spongebob isn't running this afternoon.  
Here's to never growing up.


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